Letters to Taylor: On Emptiness

Letters to Taylor: On Emptiness

Sweet T,

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I don’t know if it’s because I’m thinking too much or if it’s because God is having me pray for others. Either way, I’m using the wake time to pray.

In the wee hours this morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about your caregivers. I started praying for them because I felt so burdened. Especially for the current ones who not only lost a sweet friend on the day you died, but also lost their job.

I thought of all the many caregivers you had and pondered the faithful few who worked with you for many years. Tiffany, Auntie Mary and Uncle David provided consistent care for you for almost nine years. That’s a long time to care for someone for a few hours a week.

Then God specifically sent Jaime and Donna for the last five months of your life. Their intuitive, caring natures were gifts at a pivotal, critical time. I can look back and see God’s hand all over the timing of their assignment. I know they are mourning you and while I’ve tried to put myself in their shoes, I simply can’t. I can’t feel the emotions of someone whose life I’ve never lived, whose perspective I’ve never adopted, or whose feelings are different than mine. All I know to do is to pray that God will heal their hearts and provide for their every need, both emotional and financial. So that’s what I did for about an hour.

Today is one month since we laid your body to rest in the cemetery. From the moment that I witnessed your spirit leave your body for heaven, I’ve had total peace that you are well again. I’ve been thinking about how wonderful it must be for you to be able to communicate without your brain glitching. How wonderful it must feel for you to have no more pain or impairments. Your body works and you can run and play and jump and do everything you used to do and everything you were never able to do. Every skill you lost is re-gained, new and improved. Perfect.   I try to imagine what your giggle sounds like in heaven. It has to be absolutely glorious. And your beautiful voice is not just repaired, but totally renewed. How I can’t wait to hear you sing again someday!

Someone said to me recently that they don’t understand how we will know one another in heaven. She asked, “If we have perfect and whole bodies in heaven, how will we even recognize one another?” I personally believe that it begins with our eyes. We won’t see the same way we see now. Our eyes will be open to all things spiritual and I believe that we will recognize one another in spirit before we even look at our new bodies. We’re used to looking at the body of others with our physical eyes first. In heaven, it will be the opposite; we’ll recognize one another in spirit before any other way. We will truly see others the way Jesus sees them. I’m kind of jealous that you have this ability before me.

Your room now stands almost empty. It’s been a gradual process over the last couple weeks as we’ve given away your supplies and equipment to those in need. Seeing those needs provided has been such a joy but walking by your room hasn’t been easy.

Until today. Today God gave me the most beautiful thought about your room. I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart:

“Her empty room is just a reminder of the empty tomb.”

Say what?!

“Yes, death did not hold Jesus. He conquered the grave in victory and because of his victory, you have the promise that Taylor is in heaven! It’s a temporary separation, my girl. Temporary. Your TayTay already stands in victory, perfect and whole before the throne of God. Her work on this earth was finished in person. And what an incredible work she has done and will continue to do through my Spirit.”

That’s all. God is good, even in death. Death has no power over the real you or the real me.

See you later.

I love you.

Your mommy

Letters to Taylor: On Expressions of Sympathy and Love

Letters to Taylor: On Pain

Letters to Taylor: On Grief and Imagination

Letters to Taylor: On Sorrow and Joy

Letters to Taylor: On Loss

Letters to Taylor: On Adoption

Letters to Taylor: On New Beginnings

Letters to Taylor: On Christmas

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11 Comments

  1. Vikki Brock says:

    Rachel, Thank you for sharing your heart with us in such a Beautiful way after the passing of your precious Taylor. I too have a daughter with special needs. ( I had a rather lengthy comment, but hit the wrong button on my computer and it all went away! I guess God thought it was too wordy! ; ) ) Anyhoo, our daughter is 19 and has been differently-abled since birth. She has a seizure disorder, feeding tube, vision impairment, low tone and needs help with everything from dressing, to feeding and showering, etc. I am not sure how I will react when the time comes for our daughter to leave this earth and receive her perfect body. (just being honest…)
    I am a Christian, but I am also human. I know I will rejoice that she will be whole and perfect, but it will still be hard to say “See ya later Sweet Girl!” My husband have thought about it more than once over the years as she has had several surgeries, one being an Emergency surgery because of pancreatitis and ruptured spleen. We don’t want her to be in pain. He has told me that he would be willing to let her go, just to know she was no longer impaired, but whole and in the presence of God. Those words are hard to hear, but I know that his heart is in the right place. She is also our only child and although it breaks my heart into a million pieces to type this, I know that no matter what, if God chooses to call her home, while we are still living, we will all be reunited in Heaven. WE are so Blessed to have that Promise from Our Heavenly father. My prayer for you is that God will continue to comfort you and your family and give you all the strength you need each day to be there for each other and all of us! It has helped me to read your letters to Taylor, because as a mom, I know I will never be ready to say “bye, for now”. But Because of God, I Know All Things Are Possible! He has brought us this far and He won’t leave us to go down this path alone. Thank YOU once again and God Bless YOU and your family!

    1. thank you so much for sharing your sweet story and your daughter. Holding joy and sorrow in our hands together is so difficult. Many blessings to you and yours. xo

  2. It must be difficult sharing your heart…thank you. What a special gift God gave you in Taylor, and the gift of His love displayed in this precious thought He gave you as you passed Taylor’s empty room. Jesus is alive, as is your sweet daughter in a new and wonderful way. May you feel His presence with you as you grieve, as you celebrate newness of life.

    Our ladies’ Bible study group is doing your Names of God Bible reading challenge. I am reminded of our first day. He is El-Roi, the God who sees me. A verse that has been close to my heart the past few years is Psalm 56:8.

    “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”

  3. The empty tomb, that is a powerful thought. Maybe her room needs to be your sanctuary and meditative space. Thank you for sharing. Our prayers continue for you and your family.

  4. I can’t read this without tears! Rachel, you write so beautifully and bring such comfort and peace and understanding to others, Truly you have been given a gift from God, with your ability to write and communicate, and therefore bless others. So thankful for your obedience to Him. You’ve suffered so much and yet you turn that suffering around and create a positive force, to minister to others.
    I will always pray for you and your whole family. What an awesome gift and example, ALL of you, are to others. Especially sweet Taylor! She touched so many lives.
    Love to you! ❤️

  5. Sandi Brewer says:

    I realate deep in my heart and spirit with this. How great God is! How wonderful His forever healing love goes on in us until He knows we are that the place He wants us to settle into His love. He is always there, will never ever leave us nor forsake us and I am wonderfully at peace knowing this. At times the lonliness of missing my daughters special love drags me back to my reality….He loves us to the core and because of that love we have that personal hope of seeing our loved ones again. He never gives us more than we can handle and what He does allow He is walking us through. What beauty is your soul, Rachel. Just imagine how perfect is Taylor and no more pain or sorrow. He does bring us through so many things and when He does He never leaves us empty, but filled! God bless sweet momma.

  6. Dearest Rachel,
    As the caregiver of my niece and nephews elderly grandmother I have no words to express how much I needed to hear these loving words to Taylor. As her health is in the beginning state dementia and cardiovascular health worsening I’m concerned about her family on the day she’s going home with Jesus. Her and I have grown exceedingly close over the past couple of years and I love her dearly. How much time we have left is only for GOD to know and I give prayerful effort to making sure her time is well spent.

    Your sweet letter to Taylor gives me such peace only God can understand how much He’s comforted me through your words. Thank you sweet sister in CHRIST!
    Keeping you and yours in my prayers, God continue to bless you.

    In HIS cate
    Valerie

  7. Marcene Saxman says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey, Rachel. Blessings and prayers for God’s peace and calm and strength and power for your tribe. It may not get easier, but it will get better. Hugs and prayers. ?

  8. How great is our beautiful Father, to speak sure profound words into your heart. I imagine Taylor running on those streets of gold, running be ause Jesus was calling for her to come sit with Him. Her body is free now and what a great blessing to know you WILL SEE HER AGAIN. Bless you

  9. WOW, GOD!!!
    This is the first Letter to Taylor that I’ve read. With all of the words available to me in the English language as a post-secondary graduate (nearly to the second degree), and WOW GOD are the only ones that expertly sum up my response…smh…

    I am eternally grateful for this transparent testimony of your beautifully tragic, but divinely purposed, albeit epically personal experience.

    We can all stand to experience a Holy Ghost takeover kind of ’empty tomb’ reminder of God’s promises to us, in hopeful anticipation of our Heavenly Reunions.

    Blessings beyond belief unto you,

  10. What a sweet, precious, yet powerful whisper that is!
    Oh, how He loves us so!

    To one day see and recognize His face-what an unspeakable time that will be!

    ?

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