Letters to Taylor: On New Beginnings

Letters to Taylor: On New Beginnings

My girl,

This week you’ve settled into a new groove. It’s one that I knew would one day come, but oh how strange it feels. While we are down to days of seeing the rise and fall of your chest, Daddy whispered last night in my ear, “She’ll be well soon.”

I can hardly express what a beautiful thought that is. As a human, I sometimes wished for a reverse of your disease. If only we could go back to that moment in time when you took a big lick from my ice cream cone, that last day you said any words. “Ice teem.” 13 years ago now.

Or I might go back to the day you sang “Jesus Loves Me” in the back of the car as we drove around looking for the house that we’ve lived in for 18 years. Parts of me wish for a do-over. I believe the reason for that is what you’ve instilled in me. It’s a strength I never knew could exist. I’d live back through the worst moments we’ve had a billion times over to get to the best that we’ve shared. I’d never trade you for “normal.” Special is completely perfect.

For  many years of fighting MPS, you had trouble sleeping. Your brain wouldn’t stop running and you couldn’t turn it off. While you are at the opposite end of that spectrum and your brain insists on resting. I am the one struggling to turn off my brain and rest.

There are so many beautiful moments of your life that I’ve revisited in my mind. But this thought of finally being truly well? Completely whole and free from the disease of this world? This is all a mama ever wants for her babies.

A new beginning is ahead for you. I wish I had words to describe how wonderful it will be. Your body will be brand new and your mind will be too. Your beautiful soul and spirit will have a shiny new place to live in and it will be more perfect that we can fathom. No more struggles to make words form. No more body parts that won’t work no matter how hard you try to make them. No more seizures. No more pain.

There is hope on the horizon that we’ve not had before, Sweet T. Most of last night, pain sliced deep within my chest, because the thought of giving you back to the One who gave you to me sears my heart. But within that same pain is joy and peace and love. Because I can’t fix you. I can’t heal you. I can’t bring the words back to your mind or take away the pain. But yes, you? You will be well soon.

When I was a little girl and Papaw Duck took us on vacation, I can remember asking a million times, “How much farther?” Papaw’s favorite answer was: “We’re closer than we’ve ever been.”

My precious girl, we’re closer than we’ve ever been.

Jesus loves you.

I love you too.

Mommy

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    21 Comments

    1. You have a beautiful Mama heart and an incredible faith. Holding you all up in prayer during this most difficult but sacred time. Love and virtual hugs.

    2. God bless Taylor, you and your family, as God continue to hold and lift Taylor, you and the family God bless you all, my prayers are with you.

    3. Ohhhh Rachel. I’m so sorry and so broken for you. Please know I am holding you and Sweet Taylor close in my heart and especially in my prayers❤️

    4. Rachel,
      Seven years ago when we were walking the mystery of our son’s now-known diagnosis, I found life and hope in your blog posts. We still use the Jesus Calling for Kids book that you sent me with a sweet note. Thank you for sharing the ups and downs of your story. We are praying for you now as you face the lowest of your journey with your sweet girl. May God walk so close with you all.
      Jessica

    5. When Jesus will be back He will make all things new. Let’s rest on Him and on His promises and no matter how painful this life here is, there is peace in Christ as the song says He gives us shelter in the storms of life. Praying for you.

    6. Reading this breaks my heart. I have a daughter who is physically perfect, but she is struggling mentally. She is very smart but fell apart after a suicide attempt at age 15. She is now 19 and will not finish high school or do anything. She has a litany of excuses. It makes me angry because all the things she can and won’t do, kids like Taylor will never get the chance to do. I wish I could get her to understand that she should make something of her life for all those who can’t. My heart goes out to you and I admire your strength.

    7. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful letters to Taylor. Your faith, love, and strength are such an inspiration to me. May God continue to give you peace that passes all human understanding as your family and you travel this path. Blessings to Taylor who will be well again and know no more pain.

    8. Praying for you and your family as you walk this part of the journey. Thank you for sharing the letters you have written to Taylor. She will no longer be in pain and will be running into His arms some day soon.

    9. Praying for you and family – you give me strength just sharing – Thank You!

    10. Kelly Lee says:

      Dear Rachel
      Your letters to Taylor are so heart wrenching but inspiring at the same time. My prayers are with you and your family always. I know that as you continue to walk through this journey, God is walking right there beside you and also carrying you when you are too weary to walk. A bright and beautiful future awaits your precious girl, Taylor. She will be showered with love and celebrated as the precious gift she is.
      Love and blessings…
      Kelly

    11. It is a precious gift holding her hand knowing the next hand she reaches for is Jesus’ hand.

      Our hugs and prayers are for you.
      ?
      Debbie Booth

    12. Thank you for sharing. You’re in my prayers! ❤️

    13. Dear Rachel,
      Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is wonderfully comforting to hope in the Lord. As you are comforted, you share and comfort others.
      To God be the glory!

    14. Lucretia Geer says:

      Bless Taylor’s heart and your loving mother’s heart as well. Prayers abound for your family. Thank you for sharing Taylor’s story that only a mother can truly share. Those of us who have been where you are, understand that the next chapter for Taylor is going to be awesome. My prayer for any mother who reads your postings is that she makes sure her children, no matter the age, know Jesus. That is the reason we who have said goodbye to our children here on earth can face each day. We know they are safe and happy. We have not lost them, we merely said goodbye for a season. May God be with you in the coming days.❤️

    15. Rachel, Prayers to you for strength. Yes she will be whole and new, Praise God. But our sorrows last a lifetime. Parents should not have to lose Children. I lost my son in 2015. spoke to him before Christmas and Jan 3 7:15 am we got a call from Chattanooga hospital he was gone. We were in Tennessee last on the labor day prior. It was quite the shock. I know he is pain free, happy , and not wanting or needing for anything now. Hi heart is content with the flow of God’s love and his body is no longer in pain with sickness. He was 44 years old that past December.
      Yes Taylor is on her journey, she has her family with her not alone, and is going to a wonderful new adventure of wholeness.
      with my deepest sorrow for your long journey.
      Dottie

    16. Prayers for you Mrs. Rachel and Taylor. May God wrap His arms around you and your family. God is the ultimate healer.

    17. Jean Smith says:

      Rachel,

      Thank you for sharing these special memories and thoughts. As I read this I am filled with tears for you and your family. I know that Christ is watching over you and filling you with his grace. And He is waiting for your beloved daughter with open arms to welcome her to Heaven where she will be free of her pain. You are such a strong women of faith. God has sent you on a path to so many people on your blog. You have touched the hearts of so many people. God be with you always.

    18. God id with you my friend! Thank you for sharing your struggle so that we are touched! Prayers

    19. Oh Rachel, the prayers I’ve prayed for you are so few in comparison to the ones I know you have prayed but I want you to know that I pray still! I can’t imagine the fear, pain and yet hope that floods your mind and heart every moment of every day. How can I love and care so deeply for someone I’ve never had the joy of meeting face to face…and yet I do! I’ve got your back in prayer my beautiful friend of the heart! I’ve got your family in prayer…and I’ve got Taylor in prayer! Blessed child of grace, hope and peace May you feel ever present and all over and around you our Fathers love! Tree

    20. Kim Cardin says:

      My heart sinks as I read this but the new healthy life causes my heart to swell like the tide . We’ve never met but “mama” prayers will lift you above the fierce waves, live to you my friend, Kimberly

    21. Cara Bruinius says:

      I pray the Psalm you have given us today to read. “Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my [sad] countenance and my God.” ‭PSALM‬ ‭43:5‬ ‭

      Praying for you all today.

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