Letters to Taylor: On Change

Letters to Taylor:On Change

Dear TayTay,

Change sucks.

Shh! Don’t tell anyone I used that word, because the kids aren’t allowed to say it. I never say it aloud. Just doesn’t sound ladylike.

But what I mean is that change is almost always difficult. Though I’m working to find joy through the transition of adapting to life without you, sorrow still runs deep. We were creatures of habit, you and me. I hardly know what to do without your routine to keep me grounded. I’m finding a weird mesh of my old routines and new variations.

Life without you was just weird and strange at first, and now the reality of change has entered the picture. For so many years, our life as a family evolved around caring for you. Your needs were prioritized because they had to be. I know you understand. But folks looking in from the outside didn’t always understand. Your siblings have learned a lot of patience over the years, waiting their turn until you were finished. I am hoping that your time on earth with them was enough for them to remember growing up with a special needs sister and all that it means. I’m proud of their gorgeous hearts and continually pray that they remain sensitive to those who suffer.

We finished painting your room and your younger sister is beginning to move into it. We’ve stopped calling it “Taylor’s room.” It bothered me for a hot minute, but I’m 100% sure that your heavenly “room” is bigger than Daddy and Mommy ever could have provided. I suppose some feel that you gave up your room in our home for a place at the cemetery. Thankfully, I know better. What’s it like to live in a mansion? How do gold streets feel under your feet? Inquiring minds want to know.

Change is inevitable. As I’ve processed through your clothes and toys and blankets and held them in my hands and heart, a lot of my thoughts centered around one focus: “Things will never be the same again.” But the core thought that follows, the determination I’m pursuing, is that while it’s true that things will never be the same again, we can’t fail to allow the change to affect us for the good. How we choose to live after the change is where the beauty of the change will unfold.

After missing you so very much last week, Friday held a sweet blessing. Several weeks ago, I gave your pajamas to a seamstress. I haven’t been as quick to proactively work on projects since you’ve been gone and felt it best to hire someone for a little pj transformation. Each of your brothers and sisters chose a pair of your pajamas and instead of holding on to them as they were, a pair of pajamas that couldn’t be worn by just anyone, they were recreated into a sweet teddy bear.

The seamstress did a beautiful job; I absolutely adore the bears. But it’s interesting how the bears most beautiful to me are not the ones made of the newest pajamas you owned. Nor even the ones with the cutest designs on the fabric.

My favorites are the ones made from the thinnest, worn-down pairs of pajamas that graced your broken body, for they frequently clothed a soul of beauty and worth. This little bear represents an old soul in a new body. It’s so you.

You are missed, sweet girl. But please know that the change will not be for naught.

I love you.

Your Mommy

Letters to Taylor: On Reminders

Letters to Taylor: On Lingering

Letters to Taylor: On Healing

Letters to Taylor: On Gifts in Grief

Letters to Taylor: On Emptiness

Letters to Taylor: On Expressions of Sympathy and Love

Letters to Taylor: On Pain


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11 Comments

  1. Such a beautiful story of Love and Hope

  2. oh, how I love that you had the bears made. Something of Taylor’s to hold on. What a precious gift.
    I have a very worn Winnie the Pooh that was my son’s. It’s been 10 years, but that bear sits by my bedside and some days I just need to hold him.
    May God continue to walk you through each day.

  3. When one hurt in the body of Christ we all should hurt, as for all the comments that was showed so much love and compassion for u and your family that’s the love God sent Jesus to us to show his love on earth for us. May the blessing of the Lord make us rich and add no sorrow that our Lord and Savior can’t heal for us and our love ones.

  4. I am so blessed by your writing! Thank you for sharing your heart with us! I pray for your comfort and peace as your family is going through such a change. What a lovely idea to have the bears made!

  5. Ohhhh, soooo BEAUTIFUL, Rachel. So very soul stirring. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Your honesty is refreshing!

  6. Dear Rachel
    I appreciate your heartfelt words about change and the beautiful, creative ways you find to honour your daughter. I pray you will keep searching for growth in the change as you establish new norms in your days. Warm regards. Glynis

  7. What awesome idea, bears out of her PJ’s for each sibling. It’s so beautiful that I am crying. Rachel each one of you are so richly blessed to have had Taylor in your lives. I believe she is watching over you all. Celebrate her life.

    Love,
    Maritza

  8. Kelly Lee says:

    Dear Rachel,
    The Teddy Bears made from Taylor’s pajamas are so precious. What a beautiful keepsake for her siblings.
    Yes, I agree with you that change is so painful. I’ve been going through some hard life changes in my family too and I struggle with it so much. Don’t know how I would get through it without the love of our Heavenly Father.

    Blessings,
    Kelly

  9. Claudia Moore says:

    Taylor! Just one more precious reason to go to heaven !! I cried! I have an 18 year old Taylor, grandson! He is precious to me as all of them are. May God bless you! Rachel ?

  10. Beautiful letter…and the family picture of the bears brought happy tears to my eyes

  11. I look forward to the day that you compile all your letters to Taylor into a book. But I don’t think its time yet. But your heart will let you know when it is the right time.

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