Letters to Taylor On Reminders

Letters to Taylor: On Reminders

My Sweet Girl,

I miss you.

Oh, how I miss you.

If I could measure the volume of water in the oceans deep, I know it wouldn’t come near the amount I miss you. I know, it’s quite selfish of me considering your last days on earth. You were extremely sick and suffered so much. Your body was done, and you fought to the end. For your sake, I don’t miss your failing body and mind one bit. But I surely miss your beautiful spirit. I miss being with you.

I don’t know what others think or believe about what God allows loved ones in heaven to see happening on earth or how much they are permitted to interact on earth, but I’ve experienced so many reminders of you this week.

On Monday, I was painting your old room for your sister. I know you are excited for her to have a little space after sharing a room with your other two sisters for seven years. But as I painted and listened to Brooklyn Tabernacle choir, the tears flowed. It’s a good thing you don’t have to be able to see details to paint walls. Every song seemed to touch a different area of grief. Pain, loss, sorrow, joy, relief, guilt….the list goes on. Music reaches my soul like nothing else and when Brooklyn Tabernacle sings, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…” then your mama breaks down sobbing. It’s a good cry though. Cleansing. There are many ways to express grief and tears are an easy one for me.

So, while I was painting and crying and listening and praising, the Lord brought to my mind an elderly couple who attended church with our family years ago. I couldn’t stop thinking about them. I’ve been continually praying each day that God would order my steps and show me what to do for the day.

Our dear friends, Jack and Betty Willer.

When the Spirit places someone on my heart, I know it is time to act, even if it takes extra creative time management. In snippets of minutes between chauffeuring children after school and making dinner, I managed to cook a little extra and take dinner over to our sweet friends. I just love them.

On the drive back home, the sun shone brightly, but I couldn’t get over the beautiful splashes of purple clouds hanging all across the sky. Purple is your color. I felt like you were giving a wave and sending hugs to say, “Way to go, Mom. You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do.”  It was a confirmation in my spirit that filling the needs of others who suffer and helping them is my life calling. So simple and yet so profound.

Not too great of a pic. at the stop light. I didn’t have a place to pull over. They were brighter than the pic shows too. 🙂

I suppose some can scientifically explain the existence of purple clouds. But no one on earth can explain the timing of a purple sky after a moment of obeying the Spirit of the Lord.

Yesterday morning my sister texted me and asked if everything was ok. She didn’t know how much I was thinking about you, but she said she woke up with me on her heart. Her text was a reminder that the Lord works among his people to intercede for one another.

After a full day of large family life yesterday, I sat down on the couch and your favorite movie, Parent Trap, was on tv. I don’t know who turned on the tv or how it landed on that channel, but “The Girl Movie” as you used to say, was playing. All I could think was that I wished you were sitting beside me like days gone by. You’re not here and it’s a good thing. You are finally healed. Whenever the longing to be with you feels all-consuming, I must direct my thoughts towards your wellness and wholeness.

The reminders of you will always be with me. While the physical reminders of your fuzzy jacket that I moved into my closet, your Winnie the Pooh baby blanket, and your big Barney plush that your brothers and sisters have been holding are wonderful and dear, the reminders I treasure the most are the God reminders. The beautiful circumstances that only he can orchestrate. If he can do that with the whisper of his Spirit or the text of a friend or a silly movie, imagine how much more he is doing with the tapestry of your life and ours!

I have a question for you. Are there seasons in heaven? I’m sure I’ll receive an email from a great theologian after they read this letter to you and the email will state all the Biblical facts to support yes or no to this question. But I’m just asking because I’m ready for spring. I have never been much of a winter person at all; I don’t think you were either. With the harsh temps we’ve had even this week and all that we’ve processed in loss and grief, I’m ready for winter to be totally over.

But Daddy and Samuel were hoping to go skiing one last time this weekend. I had to laugh when Daddy sent me a text saying, “Taylor is bringing a storm.”

The winter storm’s name? Taylor.

Oh girl. You are everywhere.

All my love,

Mommy

Letters to Taylor: On Lingering

Letters to Taylor: On Healing

Letters to Taylor: On Gifts in Grief

Letters to Taylor: On Emptiness

Letters to Taylor: On Expressions of Sympathy and Love

Letters to Taylor: On Pain

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16 Comments

  1. Absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Just like your Girl. ???❤️

  2. love ur post! since i lost jadyn i have wondered about sooo many of the same things…in fact there was a winter storm “jayden” a couple months ago!!! spelled differently but it was crazy??

  3. Kelly Lee says:

    Sending love to you Rachel. I’m so touched by your sweet letters to Taylor. I just believe in my heart that she receives these letters in heaven through a special and mysterious way that only God can orchestrate.❤️ This has been a hard winter for so many people, my family included. Like you, my spirit is ready for Spring. How beautiful that our loving Father provides blue skies after the storm, and Spring after the Winter.?

    Blessings,
    Kelly

  4. Daisy Dianne Bromlow says:

    My heart aches for you as only a mother can love a child . I find it Amazing that God gives us our most ordinary desires – I really wanted a Snickers , looked in the freezer ( which is where I keep them ) several times , no Snickers , thought man I would just love a Snickers , the next day I found two – in the freezer where I had already looked several times. God is just so AMAZING in every way, to think that He cares enough and hears our every thought no matter how small or mundane . Said all this about something that was just a desire to let you know that He hears our All. Love and prayers to you and yours – May God give all of you comfort.

  5. Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.

    Khalil Gibran

  6. Marsha Harwood says:

    Oh, Sweet Rachel . . . Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs. And endless prayers for always.

  7. Glenda Pugh says:

    I love “God reminders” he is definitely orchestrating things for you… Thank you for your continued stories… your words are great for those that grieve or have lost. You are an inspiration.

  8. Dear Rachel
    Your letter to Taylor certainly touched my heart. Thanks for sharing. Yes it gets harder and yet as you rightly say ‘she is now whole’.
    From my ♡ to your may you feel His comfort & such glimpses of His love & care!
    Sal (Sri Lanka)

  9. I LOVE how you share your heart and journey with us. This one so touched my heart with the compassion and realness of God! Thank you.

  10. I love how much God loves us, so much that he grieves when we grieve. He shows himself to us in ways that only we in our time of sorrow know that he will not allow our pain to go unnoticed .
    Rachel, God has given you a beautiful gift of writing. And you are using it as a tool for healing. Keep doing what you are doing!
    My heart is heavy for you. I am praying for you.
    Your sweet Taylor is whole and all knowing .
    Your sister in Christ,
    Nancy ?

  11. Afoma Uchendu says:

    Be comforted.
    There is no age that we lose a loved one thatbis easy.

    I believe it is harder for parents.

    I am amazed by the fact that you are able to still write. May God comfort you each waking moment. May you and your family receive His strength. For He comforts those who mourn.
    Loves of love

  12. Rachel,
    Isn’t the love of Jesus something wonderful? The timing, when we need it the most, is confirmation the Comforter comes in our grief, as promised.

    I have to comment, my dear beloved sister passed onto heaven into Jesus’s presence a year and half ago. The hardest part of grief has been lifted. Her favorite snack was dill pickles. On her 1st birthday in heaven God had a local drive in restaurant Sonic Drive In debut new slushies flavors. Guess what? DILL PICKLE SLUSHIE was one of them! That was a kiss from heaven.

    Then because God can’t be outdone in blessings, later there was a local pizza parlor announcing their newest pizza flavor. DILL PICKLE. You just can’t make these things up!

    God knows what we need, and when we need a lift. I can still hear my sister up there rooting God on to send the pickle idea down.

    Purple clouds are confirmation that she is well and happy up there. God is so good. He will begin to show you that His glory comes out of tragedy. His promise to bring beauty from the ashes are just around the corner. Rest up on His lap and know, He truly collects all of your tears. Healing comes from tears. Beautiful song Blessings by Laura Story.

  13. Lisa lloyd says:

    What a beautiful letter ! And I’m pretty sure there are seasons in heaven… everyone is perfect and wonderful !
    Thank you for sharing your heart with us whom you do not know. You are helping me to be more aware of those around me, those who may still be hurting / suffering a loss. God bless you. Sending hugs and wishes for warmer weather soon ♥️☺️

  14. Deborah Kelly says:

    Very sweet and inspiring story for those who are hurting – I lost my awesome Husband (quite young) to cancer in 2001 – and I can PROMISE YOU…..those signs will continue throughout your lifetime. Keep open to them…..they will come! God Bless you – I follow your blog intermittantly…and was so sorry to hear your lost your sweet Daughter Taylor……I’m hoping this will send just a little peace to you and your devoted family.

    God Bless,

    Deborah

  15. I love reading your beautiful love filled letters to Taylor. I’m sorry you’re still hurting so much. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your precious family –

  16. Just wanted to send you a virtual *hug* letting you know that you are loved and your sweet Taylor hasnt been forgotten by those of us who only knew her thru your writings.
    Blessings,
    Chris

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