Letters to Taylor: On Significance

Letters to Taylor: On Significance

Dear Taylor,

415 days have passed since you closed your eyes for the last time. There is no significance to today other than that. My fingers are shaking as I try to write to you. I desperately will them to work. They do not want to move into the truth that you are no longer living on earth nor do they want to invite in the pain that resurfaces when I stop the world and write to you.

The therapy of writing to you is both wonderful and awful. Here I sit once again, wishing I could see you. Only I honestly don’t want to see you as you were, but I wish I could see you as you are now. As beautifully glorious as you were on earth, you must be perfectly glorious in heaven.

 The sun was shining brightly today like it was the last day you ever rode in the van with me. While I was driving, I could see the slight smile you gave when I glanced over at you as we left the hospital for the last time. I spend a lot of time inside my head, fighting the demons that follow grief and sorrow. I suppose some would say that grief or sorrow are demons themselves, but I know better. There are gifts in grief and lessons in sorrow, so I refuse to label the emotions as demons. But I do believe demons follow them, doing whatever they can to keep me from fulfilling the purpose for my life.

It feels as though they have succeeded to some degree, I’ll admit. I’m continually crying out to the Lord, continuously begging for guidance, still feeling lost after more than a year. I recently heard Andy Yarbrough say that we think of ourselves as the roles we play. With this in mind, I know every caregiver experiences a deep void when their role is removed.

I am no longer waking up throughout the night, thinking I heard you make a noise from your room. I think moving into the new house has helped me begin to establish routines without you here, but the fog of mourning still hovers and often prevents focus and clarity in the deepest parts of me. Oh, I manage to physically make myself follow the order of life. And most of the time, I manage to connect and relate with your awesome daddy and brothers and sisters. I hope I am doing a good job of helping them to know how much they mean to me and how much I love them; I’m giving it all I have.

During the day, I can muster up the energy and courage to check off tasks and wear a brave face for folks who don’t know me well. But at the end of the day, I am mentally exhausted and find myself having to do mindless activities like watch the Andy Griffith show. For someone who is driven, who wants to change the world, who wants to help others, this lack of personal vision and drive is completely frustrating.

I ponder what your advice would be, as someone in heaven who could speak into life on earth. I can only imagine that you would whisper, “Focus on what matters for eternity. Walk with Jesus day by day, moment by moment. He will strengthen you. The battle is the Lord’s.” All the lessons I learned in the wilderness with you return to me.  

Though I have many roles in which I serve, I miss being called “Taylor’s mom.” Sorrow jerks me around and dares to ask me who I am without you. After 22 years of caring for you, lately I’ve come to realize that I feel insignificant. But I am the daughter of the most High King. My Creator started a good work in me, and He will be faithful to complete it. As long as I am breathing, life has meaning. The One Who gives me breath is the One Who sustains.

Just as I finished writing the above, a tinge of purple danced around the sunset and I looked up to see it. As if the Lord is allowing you to say, “Yes, Mom. All that.”Oh, my sweet Taylor, until next time.

I love you with all my heart.

Your Mommy

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12 Comments

  1. Thanku for sharing may God bless u

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I love the idea of what would she say from Heaven? Focus on Eternity. A reminder that I needed today. Thank you so much.

  3. You are still Taylor’s mom, she’s is just in another realm. You will see her again. She and your mother are sharing great times right now and one day when you join them you will have a wonderful catch up!

  4. Charmaine Visage says:

    Hi Rachel….
    You are such a brave and honest mommy ..
    I feel for you..but what i do know ..
    Even though you are pressed from every side.. we never give up ..
    Here from wnere i come from Cape Town .. so many mommies have lost their
    Beautiful daughters to murder … and your letters shown them brings a twinkle to their eyes
    cause it gives them a way too of speaking to their loved ones..
    May you never stop doing what you doing..
    Love in our Beloved Jesus

  5. Thank you for sharing this beautiful letter.

  6. Joeann Mueller says:

    Dear Rachel,
    I’ve been reading and following you for a long time. I so thank you for sharing your Letters to Taylor. You are doing what you should. You are inspirational. I admire your honesty. I agree there is also good in grief. As I’ve learned, bittersweet. I am a Mom who had identical twins & one of my girls passed after living only 59 minutes. God graced me with her sister, later 2 sons & a step daughter. All of whom I love. My husband passed 9 years ago. I’ve struggled since in many ways but also am full of gratitude for what I had and have. Loneliness is a constant battle. Financial step down & changes in my family as ‘things’ happen that shouldn’t and yet do. And new lessons of forgiveness are learned. One thing I am grateful for is you & your inspiration! My Our Lord continue to lead you and comfort you and all of us who need his help. Bless & Believe.
    PS you have my email.
    Joeann Mueller

  7. You write so beautifully. My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine the sadness and deep hurting you have gone through and still face daily. Thanks for sharing these beautiful, but heartbreaking feelings. So many prayers for you?????

  8. Th and for sharing that

  9. Annette Riddle says:

    Heart filling and warming, thankyou for the encouragement. God bless you all much.

  10. I hope my husband in Heaven would say to me Rachel, Yes Liz, All of that! When my heart doubts and replays the last days over and over and questions ‘Did I do enough? Did I say enough? I try to focus my eyes on Jesus, Fix my heart on Him…until that day when we will meet again. Thank you for sharing your hurting heart with other hurting hearts. It helps ❤️

  11. Taylor is dancing ? beautifully in Heaven!! And when you join her up there you will dance together. The best part of the story is yet to be written!!

    God Bless You!!

    Love You Friend ❤️
    Lisa McLeod

  12. Sally Hodges says:

    Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

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