Letters to Taylor: On Anger
You’ve never shown anger and yet you have so much to be angry about.
Hey there, my girl. You’re sleeping again this morning after barely eating breakfast. The house is quiet and I’m trying to work in my office below your room. It’s not working out so well. I have my lists and I’m ticking off each task as usual. But my mind wanders and I find myself wondering why you are so exhausted.
Then I remember the length of your journey. You’ve battled disease from the day you were born. Who wouldn’t be tired? And angry. 22 years is a long time.
I can’t recall a single moment when your face has ever exhibited anger. Frustration? Yes. Pain? Yes. Anger? No. I’ve been thinking about all the photos and videos we have of your sweet face. Bouncing and smiling, you’ve never really been a crier at all, even when you experienced pain. In the last few weeks, your smiles have faded, and anxiety has spread across your face, yet I’ve still not seen you angry.
Truthfully, I’ve been irate enough for the both of us. It’s crazy; I didn’t grow up with emotions of anger. I never felt very angry about anything in life until shortly after you were born. With your birth, an instinctive nature somehow birthed too. I believe God places this protective intuition in parents, but our human nature morphs it. Regardless, “Mama Bear mode”” is one heck of a thing to try to control. This emotion is drawn out of me when someone, anyone, tries to cross what I believe to be the best for you or anyone I love. I’ve had my rounds with teachers, aides, nurses, doctors… well, just about every medical or educational professional existing.
A few months back, for the first time in several years, I lost my temper royally. In front of your brothers and sisters too. It was bad. I told a caregiver, no, yelled at a caregiver, to get out of my house. She had no idea how hard I was fighting for you. How much effort I’ve always poured into caring for you in the best way possible. There was no space for her criticism; she was simply ignorant of what she couldn’t see. She had no idea of all the phone calls I’d made, all the conversations I’d had, all the efforts I was pouring into creating the best plan of action for your health. She thought she knew better, and she thought she was being helpful. Her lack of knowing her place in our home had me fuming.
And I’ve been piping mad at God before. Sometimes for days or weeks or months. God and I have been on a break at times. But not now. Some people might find that strange. You’re the sickest you’ve ever been and I’m not angry at God? No. The times I was angry and held God at a distance have taught me that I want nothing more than to be close to Him.
When I’m alone with you in your room, it’s as if I can almost physically touch His presence. I feel His Spirit hovering over you so strongly that I only feel peace. He’s real. He’s alive and He is walking with us through this valley. I’m not angry. I’m so grateful and I have you to thank for that.
Rest, my love. When your eyes open, I’ll still be here, fighting for your utmost comfort until God calls you home.
Your Mommy
Letters to Taylor: On Expectations
Kelly Lee says
Dear Rachel
I can’t imagine what you have gone through, and continue to go through every day. I just want you to know that you are an inspiration to me, and to so many people who are struggling with pain and heartache.
Please know that we love you and pray for you daily.❤️🙏🏻
Blessings,
Kelly
June says
Thank you, the many times I’ve been mad at God pales in comparison with what you and your beautiful daughter is experiencing. Thank you so very much. It is so true that distance from God is the last thing you need in those angry moments because He will wrap His arms of live and compassion and absorb that anger with the hurt and pain and fill you with His comfort, strength and love. Thank you for sharing, thru you daughter, the magnificent God we serve.
Rosa says
Thank you for sharing your letters…praying for your family you are an inspiration thank you
Carolyn says
Beautifully written letter to your baby girl. Thank you for sharing these moments and thoughts with us.
Mintta says
I love it! I feel this pain everyday a sometime wonder if God feel my pain. Yes you are TRUE mother for accepting your child condition, but yet loving her to the end.
Jean Smith says
Rachel,
You are such an inspiration. As I read your letter I have tears in my eyes. You are such a strong woman and your faith will sustain you.
Joyce says
I love this open honesty. None of us can imagine what this is like for your family, but we can certainly understand that even with strong faith and relationship with God, there can be anger.
I have questioned my daughters death and felt some anger that she had to die and leave her children to face this world alone. But I know God is with them even though right now they are not choosing to follow Him.
Gail Dudlicek says
Thank you for sharing yourself without filters. Prayers for your family.
Diane says
My sweet friend through the internet your words bring me to tears. I just cannot imagine what you are going through. At one time one of my daughters was sick in the hospital but I knew she was going to get well and I was so anxious about her condition. But to go through what you are going through knowing that Taylor is not going to get well until she walks over to the other side in Heaven would be very hard to go through. The Lord is truly with you. The Lord is truly with Taylor. I pray for you, Taylor and your family for peace and strength.
Donna Wright says
Rachel
I have sent you a letter to you before. My daughter was born 6 wks early and I had an emergency c-section. She spent a mtg in neo-natal intensive care unit. That doesn’t EVEN come close to your situation. I pray for u and Taylor everyday! God give u strength to deal with this! God is waiting for Taylor when she enters heaven! GOD BLESS Donna
Janie Joe says
I cannot imagine what it has been for you and Taylor, I admire you for being such a very good mother and I pray for the lord to Bless you and your family. And I pray for Taylor. I am not to much on writing letters .love in Christ. Janie Ibarra Joe
Glee Lavroff says
Oh my goodness, Thank you for sharing I was almost in tears, what a beautiful letter. I couldn’t imagine, what you have been going through, Praying for you and Taylor!
Faith Baker says
Love your letters!
Sally Hodges says
Mrs. Rachel, again thank you for sharing your letters to Taylor. I’m not sure I could do as well as you have, but it seems God is walking beside you at this time as he does all of us, if we allow him to. Lately I’ve myself have been giving God “thank you” in EVERY THING, and that can be hard, but I know he only wants the best for me. Know I’m praying for Taylor, you and your family. Stay strong. God Bless!