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Friday I stood in a place I really didn’t want to be. And as deep as the pain was for me, I can’t imagine how much deeper it was for my older sister, whose first grandson was ushered into heaven. If pain and sorrow could be gauged by numbers, I don’t think there would be enough numbers in the world to calculate the pain of my niece and nephew, as they stood by the casket of their precious baby boy who had suffered from the moment he was born.
Last week an old friend sent a message to me, asking for some help in understanding the tragedies in his life. They were extremely difficult, heart-wrenching tragedies. I had to honestly answer him with the truth that I don’t have the answers.
Like him, I’ve tormented myself with questions to God over the last 22 years. Why would God create a child with a disease that causes her to lose skill by skill? Why would He give me a child that I can’t properly care for? Why does He not give doctors the answers to better support us and help them know what to do? Why have scientists not been able to find the cures?Why did Taylor have to suffer and die? I’ve scoured the Bible for certain answers and still don’t feel logically satisfied. But I am spiritually more than content. Because faith is not logical. It is spiritual.
I bare my soul before the Lord daily and spiritually I know without a single doubt that not only does He exist, but He does intervene.
Just because we can’t see how, doesn’t mean He didn’t act. I wish I knew what was going through my Taylor’s mind when she gave her last breaths. We watched her gasp for breath for four days and all I could tell her was to run to Jesus. Her suffering and agony was so evident that I just wanted it to end. The world is an evil place and Satan is ever the torment.
I don’t have the answers to all the “why” questions. I’ve heard people say that when they get to heaven, the first question they will ask God is :”Why (fill in the blank)” But I believe that we won’t have to ask. We will understand without asking. Because that’s how perfect heaven will be.
In One More Step, I share a pivotal moment in my life from many years ago. It was the moment when:
I stopped asking God “Why?”
And I started asking, “Will you reveal yourself to me?”
I don’t know if I said anything that would help my friend. I could only tell him that I’ve processed questions over and over, finally realizing that there is no earthly answer that will ever satisfy.
I had to decide if I believe God is who He says He is or not. I’ve seen enough of Him in my life to know first hand that He is Who He says He is. There’s a lot I don’t understand, but I know in my heart that He is with me and even, especially, in the deepest, darkest valleys, He is still there. I’ve seen him through his work and his way. I’ve felt him there in my spirit. His peace and majesty are indescribable. He is still speaking to his children through his Word, his Spirit and his people.
I’m not sure where your heart is right now. But if you’ve made it this far in, then I’m guessing you are walking or have walked a road of pain.
Let this prayer be yours, as I pray it over and with my family and friends- a prayer for hurting hearts.
Our souls are weary.
Our burdens heavy.
There is not a moment when we don’t need You.
We ask for your grace- to relieve the pain.
We beg for your mercy- to extend beyond our reach.
We cling to your promises- with all we can muster.
We praise You for the clay You shape…
Into a beautiful sculpture that reveals Your Glory.