There are some things I just can’t do. At least not well. Ok, not at all.

Rather than delve into all the things I can’t do or have never tried, I thought today would be a great day to salute women everywhere with a wish list of Olympic events.  You know, the stuff that we are all really good at it, or at least fake it incredibly.

I mean, if there were a motherhood skills competition, it would have some seriously tense moments, the likes of which Michael Phelps has never seen.

For example:

1. Diaper changing.

Wouldn’t it be wild? The judging would include cleanliness, lack of smell post-change, time, and of course, accuracy (hey, we all know the potential damage of a sagger…)  For kicks, we could throw in level of difficulty, like on the minivan floor with the side door open. Or the chair of a museum.

2. Speed cleaning.

Faster than a speeding bullet, a running cheetah, or a lightning bolt, the true test is experience. I’ve got 7 kids. As quickly as I get one mess cleaned up, they make another.

(My friend, Karen Ehman, has helped me get this one down.  She can be your coach too if you get her book, “The Complete Guide to Getting and Staying Organized.”)

3. Multi-tasking.

So you have to talk on the phone, supervise schoolwork, wipe noses, and wash dishes all at once.  You can do it!

4. Carpooling.

This one is all about timing.  And you have to have backup routes in case of unexpected traffic. Points deducted for slowness- this means no stopping in the driveway to chat for “just a minute.”  Points also deducted if someone forgets their lunch or homework.

5. Cooking dinner.

This area that would have to be divided into categories. How quickly can you throw dinner on the table, no one complain, and every person actually eat everything on their plates?  But then my favorite kind of meal would be: how great does the food taste, how slowly did everyone move away from the table because of great fellowship, and how frequent was the laughter?

6. Obstacle course.

Just to make it fun, the event would take place in the dark, so as to mimic the nighttime walk from your child’s bed to their door.  Stepping on toys results in not only hopping on one foot while holding the other sore foot, but also point deduction.

Calling your best “motherhood olympic events.”

I want to hear about your medal-deserving efforts!